I love this! Managing screentime for the littles is a full-time job, it can seem. And as they get older, it does get trickier, for sure. I have a 14 year old going into 9th, and an almost 12 year old going into 6th. My 14yo just got my old iphone this past weekend--with no internet browser or open app store and limited screentime. She also has an apple watch that she got in 7th grade so she could text friends and I could text her when necessary. And her chromebook for school. My youngest doesn't have any device except her chromebook for school. What I've learned over the last few years of middle school is if you plan to not give your child an iphone when they're 11, 12, 13 years old, you have to be prepared to be one of the only parents (if not the only) going along with the very strong current. Kate, my 14yo, was the absolute last of her fairly wide group of friends to get a phone. And the only reason we did it was we know in 9th, several coaches use texting as their main communication with the groups and her apple watch just wasn't reliable enough. Both my girls knew a long time ago that they wouldn't be getting smartphones in middle school, so they haven't bugged me about it. It's hard to be the only parent holdout--but it's also worth it when you see groups of young tweens and teens absolutely absorbed in their screens. Not to mention all the factual evidence about girls and their mental health that many parents seem to ignore. (Sorry--this is my only soapbox!) And plenty of other issues with boys and phones. Having the world in their pocket is bad for boys and girls, just in different ways. BUT we parents CAN go against the tide! And we have to, really, if we want to try to follow and enact Jonathan Haidt's 4 reforms you mentioned. (I'm reading that book now.)
I appreciated this so much. You're absolutely not alone. Our 4.5-year-old watches 30min-1hour of TV a day. Usually after school/camp because she just needs to chill and recalibrate. She sits on the couch and watches the actual television and I haven't shown her/given her the option to get it set up herself. I turn it on and navigate to what she wants to watch. Perhaps that's my way to staying in control? IDK. The iPad is only for travel and it's only for watching movies.
I talk about it often, being the mom who will die on the hill of no smartphones or social media until she is at least 16 and that it will be a battle. But I'm working to reframe that. I hope it's just tension that creates growth. By keeping our communication and conversation open I hope she can actually understand all of it a bit more, respect the parenting decision when the time comes. I also try and talk about phones and computers as tools we choose to use, not devices that control us.
Being an intentional parent is hard work. I see you! And I'm also holding onto the (maybe ignorant?) hope that by the time our kids are of age the pendulum will swing the other way and all of it won't be so consuming. <3
I do think there's something to this pendulum idea. It swung SO far to one side when iphones first became so widely used, and I too am hopeful that it will eventually swing back the other way, as more and more people choose to believe the evidence about smartphones and children.
So far, the hill's been worth it -- but we're not dying on it, necessarily!
We've got a 12yo (headed into 7th), 10yo (headed into 5th), and a 8yo (headed into 3rd).
We've done less screens as they've gotten older and more independent. I relied on tv quite often as a coparent on long days on my own with three kids... but as they've gotten older it's gotten easier. Especially once they started reading on their own. We used charts like this many summers and they were very helpful! Their default now, especially after doing a digital fast in 2023 for 30 days and then another this year for 40, is screens are the exception, not the rule.
None of them have smartphones or social media. We watch family movies, they may watch about an hour of tv all together (including sports for my middle) over the course of a week aside from that, and I let them play the Switch maybe every other week for about 30 minutes.
They each have an iPad, collected over the years when Cliff had them for work and then was upgraded. We used to use them for road trips when they were little, but now if they get them at all, it's for less than an hour. We've left them at home for most trips the last three years. These days, our oldest uses hers for research and texting a few friends and family -- and me, when she's keeping an eye on her brothers. She maybe uses 3x a week and often forgets to check it. Our middle uses his probably 1-2x a week to text a few friends from tutorial. And our youngest occasionally gets to play 30 minutes of minecraft... maybe once every other week?
It's -- a lot harder -- I think, to monitor/manage/limit -- than it is to say entirely NO or entirely YES. You have to be willing to do stay engaged/aware, to be flexible, but also to maybe not have your kids always happy with you.
For our oldest, I think, it's the hardest. But we communicate about the challenges and upsides almost constantly. She trusts our choice and conviction that what she's gaining from NOT having a smartphone and being on social media is greater than what she'd gain from having either. Especially space... quiet... boredom. I love watching her bloom and grow without so many digital tethers, many of which I'm seeing impede kids I've known their whole lives. It's like... a light kind of goes out in them. Not all the way... but it's dimming. I just dropped her off this morning for her first sleep away camp for the week and you know what she's most excited for? For her friends to be device-less, giving presence to each other in a way they haven't been able to for the last little while.
Speaking of analog fun -- our kids recently bought themselves portable cassette players and it's been thrilling and so nostalgic to watch them hunt for and collect cassettes!
Kids have short attention spans. Keep them moving regularly. Our routine (9, 7, and 4 year old) anywhere from 20- 60 minute increments. The tablets specifically are no more than 30 minutes. Once you say no, they want in more. So it’s a yes with a limit as well as tv. Everything else is limitless. But I keep them moving. Routine morning to evening: tv, chores, play outside, books, play indoors, tablet, play out doors, craft, books, indoor play, back to books, outdoor play, chores, tablet, family tv time. No phones or social media at these ages nor do I plan any for years to come.
I love this! Managing screentime for the littles is a full-time job, it can seem. And as they get older, it does get trickier, for sure. I have a 14 year old going into 9th, and an almost 12 year old going into 6th. My 14yo just got my old iphone this past weekend--with no internet browser or open app store and limited screentime. She also has an apple watch that she got in 7th grade so she could text friends and I could text her when necessary. And her chromebook for school. My youngest doesn't have any device except her chromebook for school. What I've learned over the last few years of middle school is if you plan to not give your child an iphone when they're 11, 12, 13 years old, you have to be prepared to be one of the only parents (if not the only) going along with the very strong current. Kate, my 14yo, was the absolute last of her fairly wide group of friends to get a phone. And the only reason we did it was we know in 9th, several coaches use texting as their main communication with the groups and her apple watch just wasn't reliable enough. Both my girls knew a long time ago that they wouldn't be getting smartphones in middle school, so they haven't bugged me about it. It's hard to be the only parent holdout--but it's also worth it when you see groups of young tweens and teens absolutely absorbed in their screens. Not to mention all the factual evidence about girls and their mental health that many parents seem to ignore. (Sorry--this is my only soapbox!) And plenty of other issues with boys and phones. Having the world in their pocket is bad for boys and girls, just in different ways. BUT we parents CAN go against the tide! And we have to, really, if we want to try to follow and enact Jonathan Haidt's 4 reforms you mentioned. (I'm reading that book now.)
I appreciated this so much. You're absolutely not alone. Our 4.5-year-old watches 30min-1hour of TV a day. Usually after school/camp because she just needs to chill and recalibrate. She sits on the couch and watches the actual television and I haven't shown her/given her the option to get it set up herself. I turn it on and navigate to what she wants to watch. Perhaps that's my way to staying in control? IDK. The iPad is only for travel and it's only for watching movies.
I talk about it often, being the mom who will die on the hill of no smartphones or social media until she is at least 16 and that it will be a battle. But I'm working to reframe that. I hope it's just tension that creates growth. By keeping our communication and conversation open I hope she can actually understand all of it a bit more, respect the parenting decision when the time comes. I also try and talk about phones and computers as tools we choose to use, not devices that control us.
Being an intentional parent is hard work. I see you! And I'm also holding onto the (maybe ignorant?) hope that by the time our kids are of age the pendulum will swing the other way and all of it won't be so consuming. <3
I do think there's something to this pendulum idea. It swung SO far to one side when iphones first became so widely used, and I too am hopeful that it will eventually swing back the other way, as more and more people choose to believe the evidence about smartphones and children.
So far, the hill's been worth it -- but we're not dying on it, necessarily!
We've got a 12yo (headed into 7th), 10yo (headed into 5th), and a 8yo (headed into 3rd).
We've done less screens as they've gotten older and more independent. I relied on tv quite often as a coparent on long days on my own with three kids... but as they've gotten older it's gotten easier. Especially once they started reading on their own. We used charts like this many summers and they were very helpful! Their default now, especially after doing a digital fast in 2023 for 30 days and then another this year for 40, is screens are the exception, not the rule.
None of them have smartphones or social media. We watch family movies, they may watch about an hour of tv all together (including sports for my middle) over the course of a week aside from that, and I let them play the Switch maybe every other week for about 30 minutes.
They each have an iPad, collected over the years when Cliff had them for work and then was upgraded. We used to use them for road trips when they were little, but now if they get them at all, it's for less than an hour. We've left them at home for most trips the last three years. These days, our oldest uses hers for research and texting a few friends and family -- and me, when she's keeping an eye on her brothers. She maybe uses 3x a week and often forgets to check it. Our middle uses his probably 1-2x a week to text a few friends from tutorial. And our youngest occasionally gets to play 30 minutes of minecraft... maybe once every other week?
It's -- a lot harder -- I think, to monitor/manage/limit -- than it is to say entirely NO or entirely YES. You have to be willing to do stay engaged/aware, to be flexible, but also to maybe not have your kids always happy with you.
For our oldest, I think, it's the hardest. But we communicate about the challenges and upsides almost constantly. She trusts our choice and conviction that what she's gaining from NOT having a smartphone and being on social media is greater than what she'd gain from having either. Especially space... quiet... boredom. I love watching her bloom and grow without so many digital tethers, many of which I'm seeing impede kids I've known their whole lives. It's like... a light kind of goes out in them. Not all the way... but it's dimming. I just dropped her off this morning for her first sleep away camp for the week and you know what she's most excited for? For her friends to be device-less, giving presence to each other in a way they haven't been able to for the last little while.
Speaking of analog fun -- our kids recently bought themselves portable cassette players and it's been thrilling and so nostalgic to watch them hunt for and collect cassettes!
Kids have short attention spans. Keep them moving regularly. Our routine (9, 7, and 4 year old) anywhere from 20- 60 minute increments. The tablets specifically are no more than 30 minutes. Once you say no, they want in more. So it’s a yes with a limit as well as tv. Everything else is limitless. But I keep them moving. Routine morning to evening: tv, chores, play outside, books, play indoors, tablet, play out doors, craft, books, indoor play, back to books, outdoor play, chores, tablet, family tv time. No phones or social media at these ages nor do I plan any for years to come.
I read your post on my smartphone…just sayin’ 😁